No Regret Friday

I wish I could forget

We were at a friend’s gig. As always I was the drunkest one there, I was falling around and falling asleep. My friends didn’t take much notice; this is the way it was.  I was a legend…for all the wrong reasons.

Normally I would not be able to recall a night out. But I can’t forget this one. I wish I could, but I can’t.

It was halfway through the set when I decided I wanted to go home. I had stopped going out in my own car (after numerous accidents it had become clear that I just couldn’t drive when I was drunk) and staying sober was not an option for me. I asked Nic to drive me home, if I wasn’t so far gone I would have realized that she was just as hammered as me and in no shape to drive. She wanted to stay but I insisted that we leave, in my drinking days I really didn’t give a shit about anyone but myself.

As soon as we hit the road I passed out.  I woke up amidst sirens and policemen shouting at me, they had pulled Nic out of the car, she was handcuffed and lying face down on the highway. I had no idea what was going on. Everyone was hysterical.

I was dragged out of the car, too drunk to stand, and fell face first down the embankment. The police were still screaming and I managed to phone a friend, they would not let me speak to Shane. I was so confused and scared and tired and I remember thinking that I just wanted to go home and sleep. I had no idea where I was or how I got there. All I knew was the cops were freaking and we were in deep shit. How unreasonable I thought. It’s just an accident.

Nic was arrested and taken away. A friend eventually found where I was and it wasn’t until we drove past the body that I realized what had happened. We killed a man.  WE KILLED A COP. He’d been standing on the shoulder of the road talking to a driver of a car he pulled over when Nic fell asleep at the wheel, crashed into the car and ripped him in half.

His name was Ben String. He was forty years old and at the time his daughter was pregnant with his first grandchild. That child will not know his grandfather because of me. Although I wasn’t driving I do blame myself.

It’s been many years since the incident but I still find myself wondering what would have happened if I had just stayed at the party like she wanted to. What would have happened if I asked her five minutes earlier? They’re pointless questions, what happened happened and I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

~ Vanessa, Jhb